Bella Goes Sane?
by Qu0thTheRavenNeverm0re
Summary: Bella Has Always Been A Hopeless Mary Sue... But All That Is About To Change When A Magic Portuguese Chicken Lays An Egg On Her Head! OMGWTF! Contains A Shitload Of Crack Bad Language And Twilight Bashing! For Alway-Dream-Out-Loud's Humor Competition


**I'll say this once: if you don't like haterfics, DON'T. FREAKING. READ THEM. Now leave. Leave! *Thank you***

"Eddykins, are you going to pack your things?" Mary Sue told Gary Stu.

"But you're the only thing I need!" Edward/ Gary Stu sparkled melodramatically. Nope, Edward doesn't just speak. He _sparkles_.

"Hee hee, RAINBOWS!" Bella/ Mary Sue exclaimed deliriously.

This was how things had been going for, oh, the past hour or so as they were packing for their pointless trip to Portugal. Though they liked to deny it, there was no reason to be going other than one whacked-up thing- to have more sex.

"But Eddykins, we can do that at home!" Bella Sue had squeaked when he told her about the trip. Mind you, they were in bed as they said this.

"Yes mere human, but you see, how else am I going to prove that I'm so freaking rich and sparkly that I can do whatever the fuck I want?" Edward Stu sparkled seductively.

"Hee hee, DOUBLE rainbows!" Bella Sue giggled.

Now, they arrived at the airport in Edward Stu's sports cars. ALL of them- at once (don't ask).

"Eddykins, do you think we should- ohhh, a butterfly!" Since Bella Sue was obviously a woman who doesn't need anything but a man- this includes brains- she didn't need to complete an intelligent thought for Edward Stu to understand her.

"We don't need to take a plane. We can fly using my SPARKLY GARY STU POWERS! I only bought us plane tickets to prove that I'm so freaking rich and sparkly that I can do whatever the fuck I want."

"Mmkay! Hee hee, double rainbows all the way across the sky!"

And so they flew.

When they arrived in Portugal, they landed in a dusty but busy marketplace. After the usual rounds of the citizens worshipping Edward Stu for his sparkly-ness and the menfolk flirting with Bella Sue, they decided to look for an uber expensive hotel. Just as they were walking down the road, something fell on Bella Sue's head.

"WTF?" she exclaimed. She looked up. _There_ was a chicken, levitating in midair directly above her, who had just laid an egg on Bella Sue's head. Somehow, it hadn't broken open when it had landed on Bella Sue, probably because Bella Sue's head was so full of air. Well, actually, it was because it was a MAGIC CHICKEN ROMIGOSH!

"Bgaaawk," said the magic chicken as it strutted away, still levitating. The chicken spoke fluent Portugese and English, but Magic Chickens usually choose to speak chicken for cultural and religious reasons. Magic Chicken had spent hours devising a plan to better the world, but alas, this story is low budget and therefore can only afford to pay Magic Chicken to be in this scene. So he'll never get to see it pan out.

Bella Sue rubbed her head. Her surroundings had gone foggy. "Ouch," she said as things went back into focus. But something was wrong, very wrong. Everything looked less... _sparkly _than it did before. Less _fluffy_.

"What's going on?" However strange it was that Bella had actually uttered a phrase comprehendible to the intelligent life form, Bella herself didn't even notice the change. Nor did she notice that her name was no longer Bella Sue but merely Bella. OMGWTF... plot twist...! ! ! ! !

"Darling, I'm trying to get us a room so we can have sparkly vampire sex!" sparkled Edward Stu. Who was still a Gary Stu.

" Who' re you?" Bella wondered. She was standing next to a guy who was... oddly sparkly. Who obviously wanted to get laid. By her. Why in the world would she like a sparkly guy? Why would she even associate them in the first place?

Now that Bella was actually starting to think _normal human thoughts_, everything seemed out of place. Portugal? Really? She looked at the pictures of both her parents she had taped to her suitcase and drawn a big red 'x' through. Apparently, she hated her family. For... what reason? The last thing she remembered was- wait, what _was_ the last thing she remembered? As the narrator, I will tell you that since all those memories containing Bella in Sue-form, aka hot air, had been erased from her head and replaced with- gasp!- SUBSTANCE, she literally _had_ no memories.

"Dude, I don't know who you are, but-"

"Shh-shhhh," Edward Stu sparkled, caressing Bella in his ever most disgustingly creepy way. "I dazzle you. You're a weak human. I'm so freaking rich and sparkly that I can do whatever the fuck I want. No need for words."

Under normal circumstances, Bella would've gone off about how his flawless masculine figure resembled a marble angel statue, perfectly sculpted out of the finest porcelain and crafted with exquisite beauty and yadda yadda. But with all that stuff in her head called- gasp!- SUBSTANCE, there was no room in her head for things like that.

"Sir Sparkle, whatever you're called, I-"

"No words." Edward Stu proceeded to kneel down in the dust and chicken droppings and pulled out a guitar. The guitar was, unsurprisingly, sparkly. Then he started to... sing?

"I have died every day waiting for you! Darling don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years, I love you for a thousand more!"

..." WHAT YOU TALKIN BOUT BEEOTCH!" Bella did what anyone would do if a sparkly Gary Stu starting singing a sparkly song with a sparkly guitar. At least, she did what _I_ would do if that happened.

"Bella, what happened?" Edward sparkled. He stood up (sparklily). "The reason I like you is because you're a Mary Sue with a head full of hot air! You don't question my Stu-ness because you love it so much!"

"Too bad, beeotch!" Just then, the egg that had fallen on Bella's head and brought her to sanity hatched! It became a beautiful hippogriff named Clawtalon or something else nice and mystically violent who cawed and flew gracefully next to Bella. She jumped onto his back, grabbed a frying pan from a nearby market stand, set a basket on her head to much resemble a hat, and flew off into the sunset singing The Ballad of Melvin the Magic Hot Dog. Because that's what normal people do. Or at least, people still wearing off from Extreme Sueness. I guess you can never _really_ become normal after such an _extreme_ case of it. The citizens of Portugal cheered and clapped.

She flew away to Scotland, where she joined Hogwarts, changed her name to Alison Marmalade, and never spoke a word about marble angel statues again. Edward Stu melted into a puddle of sparkly goo. The author of this story was given a restraining order and always kept at least three miles away from any caffienated drinks.

And yeah, that's pretty much it.


End file.
